the hole left by 2008

How do you balance your expectations?

How long does it take to mend the space where someone has completely let you down in every possible way?


I sit here. Staring at the screen for an answer. For the words to roll off my fingertips and clarification to come. The need to get all the thoughts out my head so I can't see them in there anymore, but feeling the huge pull of exhaustion that draws me into unfocusedness.





I guess this is as good a time as any to wipe the slate clean........the digital age makes it a little too easy to erase memories.......it's not quite as cathartic as the old ways of cutting and burning photos and memorabilia. But luckily in my case I still had a few things to cut up and smash.



All the useless questions swirling in my head........what if I had just stuck out the friendship.......what if I had raged harder......

I count myself as one of the lucky ones in that I usually know deep down when a battle is not worth the energy, as much as I want to fix the situation.......help others reach their potential......

it's not my battle
it's not my battle
i'm not the one who's lost
i know who i am
i know what i want




But no matter how much I hear that truth inside of me, it doesn't make the hurt and emptiness any easier.


I really wanted this last night of 2008 to be the time to focus on myself. But it has become a reminder of .......... him.



I will allow myself to have these feelings for one more night.


Tomorrow is a new start. The memories will still be there, but I must move to another level of thinking. Not allowing others to damage me. Not letting them get in the way of my forward movement.




The only person who is worth this much energy is myself.

It's been a good week

As I've already posted, I've had a couple good evenings this week, and it continued with another great show tonight. Amanda Palmer at the Henry Fonda!!!! She was joined by an amazing cast of artists, Neil Gaiman, The Builders and the Butchers, Zoe Keating, and The Danger Ensemble.
What an incredible night!!! There was so much energy coming from the performers and the audience. I was moved to tears and utter happiness several times throughout the evening. I saw quite a few friends. And I got to meet Neil Gaiman after the show!!!!!! I almost completely lost my composure. Definitely not one of my finer moments, but I needed to let him know how grateful I was for all of his amazing works. Woohoo!!!!!!!
If you haven't had a chance to see an Amanda Palmer show, or Dresden Dolls show, they are something to schedule!

My weekend with NIN

I took a 24 hour trip to Las Vegas on this weekend. I originally had a different set of plans going into this weekend, but despite that it turned out quite great. I had an extra ticket to sell to the NIN concert. I sold it on craigslist to a girl in Vegas. She had never been to a NIN concert before, so she had a great energy. The show was unbelievable!!! The set list was very well thought out. The visuals were amazing!! Trent just keeps setting the bar higher. It sounds like it may be one of the last NIN shows for a while. The line-up will be changing for the last section of the tour and then it sounds like NIN will be going on hiatus for a while.
http://ca.youtube.com/watch?v=srHz8xRrH4M
I never thought I would be lucky enough to hear Trent talk so much. Once again, the concert was absolutely wonderful.

I spent the rest of the evening hanging out with my friends Mocean and Ryan. We partied in Dave's (Mocean's brother) suite at the hotel. It had incredible views of the city.

This morning I had a late check-out of the hotel. The universe sent me a wonderful birthday present. I ran into Justin Meldal-Johnsen, NIN bassist, and Robin Finck, NIN guitarist!!!!!!! I turned into a bit of a bumbling idiot, but managed to thank them for the show. I can't believe the timing! Seriously what are the chances of running into them!!!

Happy birthday to me. I'm continuing to put out the energy that this year will get better. I have some work, not a ton, but it's at least a steady paycheck. And I have several plans to get some shows together in the coming months.

Wicked

There's never enough praise for live theatre, especially when it's an incredible show. I was privileged to see the musical Wicked this evening at the Pantages Theatre. I wend with Nakia, Ross, & Mocean. What a great show!! The cast was unbelievable! The singing!!! I laughed...I cried... We were given a backstage tour by the beautiful Eden Espinosa herself. I miss theatre life! Especially the 'live' aspect. During this evening's show, one particular moment stuck out. During Act 2, Fiyero charged out to save Elphaba and completely slipped on her broom. He didn't hurt himself. The actors couldn't contain themselves. All the actors onstage completely lost control of themselves. It was such a real moment, the audience was with them and it certainly didn't help the actors regain their composure. Absolutely wonderful!

I keep trying to move forward....memories continue to hit me from every angle....I can't clean my apartment without finding a hint or scrap of him....plans that were made long ago, now have to be changed....I can't even start a new job without something else coming up....nighttime is really hard....the dreams don't stop

what is the purpose to all this? it's not like I'm going to forget what happened. I physically can't forget, because a part of me is missing and I'm not sure if I'll ever find it again.

there's so much anger. anger with no outlet except letting go.

I'm told that I'm an incredibly open person, very honest with myself. people love and admire me for this fact. I can't seem to figure out why it's so hard for other people to be the same. especially when they are aware they should make that change.

wouldn't you feel better in the long run if you just face yourself??
it's certainly not something that's going to cause irreparable damage.

I guess it takes a strong person, although I certainly don't feel that strong right now. I should feel thankful that I'm able to face life situations, but there are times like now when I wish I could just pretend.

another night...tired...physically and emotionally. i want to sleep, but sleep doesn't come without nightmares.
friday night i slept. mostly due to complete physical exhaustion. that was thanks to cera byer, damage control dance theatre, who created an amazing dance piece for me. i had a small part in the creation. she magnified that by thousands and handed me something that i can't even completely talk about yet. i plan on writing about my process with this piece. it's a piece that is very close to where my heart has been recently and currently is.
it's a challenging piece both physically and emotionally, but i'm very excited to dive into it and give it to the audience.

i have many creations that i'm planning for the upcoming year, so i hope you'll stay tuned. and i'll do my best to keep writing about my process as well as advertise the new events.

i've never felt such a internal push of creativity in my life. i know the initial stages began a couple months ago, but due to recent events i wonder how much my general emptiness is fueling this creation. i'm sure the emptiness didn't hurt the process, but i know i could've done without the heartache.

i am much to weak
i'm about to lose my mind

my thoughts are blurred
can't believe i'd been so blind

i could find a way out
could i only think straight

but i'm much too confused
that it's anyway too late

i'm too dizzy to think
i'm everything but fine

i'm sick and confused
got no peace of mind

i've tried my best
but you're nothing more to see

i'm not in control
i hate to feel this way

feel like i'm falling

drifting away

spinning

floating

further away

~stephan groth

a ghost is born

here are pictures from my performance at Shadowdance 2008. i struggled to come up with story to tell for this show. and once i figured out my story, it was still really difficult for me to get in the headspace of my character. but i felt i needed to access this story. due to an event in my life just prior to this show, i was able to redirect my feelings into this piece. feelings of the deepest kind of hurt....anger....helplessness..........pure emptiness........
the night of the performance was particularly difficult for me. i had been pushing up as many walls as i have the ability to hold in the off chance that i could make it up to the stage. i don't remember much of the performance. once it was finished, i didn't have the strength to hold onto my emotions.

i appreciate all the friends who tried to be there for me, even though i just wanted to disappear into thin air. i plan on performing this piece again, because i feel i wasn't able to channel it all correctly. but i must admit it, i'm really tired and i don't want to put myself back in that place on purpose. on some level, i feel the piece deserves another chance because i'm proud of the story i created through my movements.

here are some pictures in chronological order from the piece. these were taken by brad dosland, an amazing photographer in the bay area.

a reminder

Everything you need you already have. You are complete right now, you are a whole, total person, not an apprentice person on the way to someplace else. Your completeness must be understood by you and experienced in your thoughts as your own personal reality.

~Wayne Dyer

breath

Dance when you're broken open.
Dance if you've torn the bandage off.
Dance in the middle of the fighting.
Dance in your blood.
Dance when you're perfectly free.
Struck, the dancers hear a tambourine inside them,
as a wave turns to foam on its very top, begin.
Maybe you don't hear that tambourine,
or the tree leaves clapping time.
Close the ears on your head
that listen mostly to lies and cynical jokes.
There are other things to hear and see:
dance-music and a brilliant city
inside the Soul.

~~Rumi~~