a jumble of words has been sitting around the edges of my tongue the last several days. they're lost or don't have the courage to land in a journal entry such as this, but i decided to shake the plank and dare them to jump into these deep waters. it takes courage sometimes......they seem to be just words........but if you look deeper, they are various rhythms and harmonies created by letters. these sounds can be loud, cacophonous pots and pans....or rolling waves.....or the most beautiful melody you've ever heard. i've never been very good at the making noise part, but in the last year i've learned the value of that uninhibited release that calls for every cell in your body to enunciate. and i'm trying to get better at the melodies.
luckily i've been in a new frame of mind, a new relationship with my words. i've gotten tired of holding them back. afraid they wouldn't be able to swim or would drown under other people's dead weight. how else can you describe something that you sit and ruminate on for so long that it builds and builds on itself until it can't be processed by anyone else?
i have thought about my words, but decided they were better off given the chance to sink or swim on their own.


i stepped into new emotional territory these last few weeks. a place that makes me very uncomfortable. instead of guarding my heart, holding back my words, and expecting the worst, i decided to walk in with arms open, allowing myself to feel anything and everything, and to communicate it all.
we should try every day to say what we feel, and allow others that courtesy in return.
and through that mutual openness, we become better human beings. human beings who understand that actions have consequences. and the more you talk, the fewer the consequences. why is this scary? is it because of the heartbreak? the inevitable self-reflection? why don't people want to be better versions of themselves??


i have spent a fair amount of time in relationships with people who couldn't look in the mirror. maybe they thought my inner strength would boost their reflection as long as we looked at it together. but that's not the type of person i am. i'm not always going to literally be standing there. nor would i want someone to do that for me. i just need the knowledge that they are looking at themselves honestly. seeing all the insecurities, but still standing there and facing them. 


it's become evident that a recent ex of mine is still hiding. hiding in such a sad way that i'm not sure if he'll ever find his way back. 
there are some people who can see the path in the trees. but despite them seeing it and you giving them directions, they'll never find their way until they're ready to listen. because once you're out of the trees, you are unprotected from the open air. the air that carries sound and energy from miles around. and while that air can beat you down from the cacophony, it can calm you with it's steady rhythm, or infect you with such a sweet taste that you can't believe anything could be that good, drink it in and share it with others.


let your words dive off the tongue and perhaps your rhythm will inspire someone to find the path out, a path leading them to their own music. yes it's scary, but not knowing or not sharing is worse. maybe your words will fall into harmony with someone else's. and once that happens, keep talking, keep singing, no matter how out of tune it may sound.