a bit missing

i haven't truly felt like my true self for a long time. not even sure when that part of me disappeared. but i'm looking forward to meeting her again and see how she's changed since we were last together.

my previous post was upbeat, and although there was much optimism there, i still don't think i was truly in that moment. i've been struggling a lot with living in the moment recently. my head is full of sadness and anxieties, yet i've been surrounded by so many incredible people and friends for over a month now.

i think about my family constantly, and admire my parents in ways they will never know. i dream that someday i may find even half of what they have found with each other. it's absolutely incredible. and on top of that, they have been huge inspirations and close friends of mine my entire life. i don't know how i got so lucky.

traveling around and feeling the love of friends and family has been much needed, but a reminder that i'm not the complete person they have known for so many years. and it's frustrating knowing how many new people have crossed my path recently, but haven't caught a glimpse of everything that makes me shine........a glimpse of the real superkate......

so i sit back.....check my email......read a book......disappear into music.....make another attempt at a full night's sleep.....and patiently wait for the dust to settle so that i may see a familiar face in the mirror again.....feel that energy inside that makes me, and isn't easily tossed to the side by others. i miss her. but i can feel she's going to blow me away as much as she will everyone else.

New Possibilities

I've been moving in several different directions, both mentally and physically, over the last few months. I'm getting to know myself again in a way that only happens when everything gets tossed in the air. At the moment, I don't have a solid plan past mid-September. And while I'm very excited about that, I'm battling the urge to nest. I've always felt very confident in the ebb and flow of life as long as I had, what I considered, home to go to at the end of the day.

I'm currently living in someone else's apartment, and due to the amount of stuff already here, I won't be adding much of my life to it. And please don't think I'm complaining, because I'm not. I'm learning to live with very few belongings. This practice of minimalism has recharged my desire to do away with everything in my storage unit.

New York City has never really called to me. I've had a couple opportunities to move here, but ended up choosing other cities or passions. I wonder if I was supposed to experience those things first, because eventually life would lead me to NYC for a longer haul. I have many expectations of this city. Living in Los Angeles, spoiled me in ways that NYC hasn't been able to compete with yet. Granted....I've only been here a week and a half, sans my boss, so I haven't really dug into the scene. I'll be back here in a week and plan to explore.....visit some parks, museums, make several more attempts at finding a good club.

I'm also making more progress in saying 'Yes'. And while I've had a pretty good attitude towards that practice most of my life, I want more. My friend Tiffanie wrote a wonderful blog that comes very close to where I'm at in my life right now.

http://tiffanie-moment-by-moment.blogspot.com/2011/07/alive.html

To go along with 'Yes', I'm pushing myself in more creative directions. I catch myself saying "These are such simple things, Kate, why haven't you done this before?" And honestly, the best answer I have is that I was just lazy. I'm taking the time to journal, doodle, sketch items I see just to practice the art of drawing, and learning new instruments. I started with the ukulele a few months ago, and just recently started on the guitar. I've struggled with the guitar in the past because the transition from violin was a new skill for my hands. But thanks to a friend, who is a great teacher, I've learned an easier way to hold the guitar, and how to read guitar tabs. He also taught me "Blackbird". I practice it everyday. I struggle with the picking on the strings, but you can definitely tell what song I'm playing. Not sure what song to tackle next. I have a real sense of accomplishment that I haven't felt for a while, and it's exciting. I had thought for the longest time that my fingers just weren't meant to play a guitar for some strange reason, but that excuse doesn't hold up when you see a string of Chinese kids, all of whom are likely 5 years old, playing full-size guitars. The first few days I was learning to play on a smaller guitar, but today I practiced on a full-size. New learning curve, but I'm ready for it.

There is so much possibility ahead. I must remember to stay in the moment. I can't help but get excited about what may happen, but some of those are dreams......dreams that will come true, some that won't...but in the end, more dreams and opportunities will appear and the cycle will repeat.

I will say YES more often. I will embrace vulnerability.

It's going to be amazing.

Back to blogging??

It's been over a year since my last entry. Several things have changed since then. I'm not sure what to get into at the moment, but I've been feeling a strong urge to write in the last few weeks.

I've never been one to write about my life, I'm more of a talker. I started writing my own version of morning pages and feel a difference on the days when I wake up too late to unload my thoughts on the paper. Although most of my thoughts revolve around my own daily frustrations and how I'd like to change my life, it's a small weight off my shoulders when I can drop some of them into a notebook.

I don't plan on this blog being an emotional dumping ground (although it helped me to do that in the past). I would just like to start documenting moments in my life. This journey through life has taken some interesting turns, and sometimes the lessons have been hard. But I feel very fortunate to be able to learn from my mistakes and have really enjoyed the ridiculousness of it all.