P.retty D.amn L.ucky

It has been almost 3 months and 10 days exactly since my dad died. Not a day has passed that I don't think about him. And while it's been hard for me, I will probably never know what my mom has gone through. You see…..they had an incredible relationship. I know nothing is perfect, but to anyone who knows them, or has heard their story, there isn't a better word than perfect to describe their love. They were partners and best friends. My brother and I were the lucky ones to see this love first hand. 

Now, many of you know that I'm a romantic. I even make fun of myself sometimes because of the cheesy nature of the movies and tv shows I watch. But the truth is, while most people see those story lines and mock them for their impracticalities, I see them and know they are possible. This has been a bit of a double-edged sword in my love life, but it's not a bad one to have. 

I remember sitting with Pop last Christmas. It was one of the last times we had any long talks together. He kept going on and on about how lucky he was to have my mom in his life. And he hoped that he had not used up all the luck, because he wanted my brother and I to experience this amazing thing in our lives too. Some of my friends have said this wasn't a very kind or hopeful thing for him to say, but I know what he meant. How do you expect your family to win the jackpot, once you feel you've already won the prize of a lifetime? 

I've had many talks with people about how the world is shifting and relationships don't happen like they used to, and how people's lives and expectations are shifting. I do agree with many of these things. And as a result, each day passes and I come to terms more and more with my life as a woman who is not in a relationship…..a woman who might not find that relationship. 

Tonight I watched another romantic movie….actually, it was the second time I've watched it. And it got me thinking and wishing again…… I do want the fairy tale…… It's anyone's guess if it will ever happen or not. And if it doesn't, I'm going to be okay with it because I was at least able to experience it indirectly, and that makes me pretty damn lucky.

My Character

   I grew up in a small town in central Illinois. I plan to write about it sometime. It baffles many people who know me that that could possibly be true. The truth is yes, it's a very small town, and yes, it's conservativeness stifled me. 
   But the real truth behind me is my family.......especially my parents.
   Over the years, I've wanted many people in my life to visit my hometown. Partly to be shocked by it's size, but mostly because I wanted them to meet my family.....the people who shaped me and gave me context for the world. From the minute I was born, I've been surrounded by such diversity. My family felt that music was incredibly important to my upbringing, and I still feel the benefits of that early training. I was surrounded by laughter, smart-ass jokes, intellect, and love. At an early age, I was shown the importance of a kind smile and a firm handshake. I spent many years hanging out with the adults, and don't remember ever feeling out of place. Some of my favorite moments are the dinners we had together.....some were spent hearing stories of my grandfather's childhood, and others were discussing local and national politics. I've had the pleasure of knowing a few of the most upstanding politicians to come out of Illinois. And while politics aren't the most exciting things to kids, I knew I was getting a to see a bit of history in the making. 
   All of those people, the conversation, the inspiration....dug itself into me. I took it for granted, as many kids do, only later realizing how unbelievably good I had it. But one thing I don't think I completely took for granted were my parents.
   They may tell you things......like how they worked all the time.....or weren't active enough in my childhood. And yes, to a degree that is true. They forget all of important marks they made on me. Many of their younger years together were spent traveling the world. Pictures of these travels hang in places around our house. These travels inspired them to host foreign exchange students throughout my life. And that, in turn, inspired my own decision to be a foreign exchange student in Japan for my senior year of high school. And the love they have and always had for each other, while still a dream in my own personal life, proves it is possible.
   My parents trust in me as their child and as a human being instilled a confidence. A confidence and an independence so deep within me, that no matter what I have faced or will face, I return a stronger person. This strength is often one of the first things people notice about me. 
   I could keep listing things, but the message is they taught me that the world is a much bigger place and we are responsible for it and for treating its inhabitants with kindness and respect. This may sound trite, but it amazes me how many people aren't aware of the bigger picture, and how they can effect someone.
   So while many of you will probably never meet my family, you see them in everything I do. Without their strength, love, understanding, depth, and fun, I would not be SuperKate. 

a jumble of words has been sitting around the edges of my tongue the last several days. they're lost or don't have the courage to land in a journal entry such as this, but i decided to shake the plank and dare them to jump into these deep waters. it takes courage sometimes......they seem to be just words........but if you look deeper, they are various rhythms and harmonies created by letters. these sounds can be loud, cacophonous pots and pans....or rolling waves.....or the most beautiful melody you've ever heard. i've never been very good at the making noise part, but in the last year i've learned the value of that uninhibited release that calls for every cell in your body to enunciate. and i'm trying to get better at the melodies.
luckily i've been in a new frame of mind, a new relationship with my words. i've gotten tired of holding them back. afraid they wouldn't be able to swim or would drown under other people's dead weight. how else can you describe something that you sit and ruminate on for so long that it builds and builds on itself until it can't be processed by anyone else?
i have thought about my words, but decided they were better off given the chance to sink or swim on their own.


i stepped into new emotional territory these last few weeks. a place that makes me very uncomfortable. instead of guarding my heart, holding back my words, and expecting the worst, i decided to walk in with arms open, allowing myself to feel anything and everything, and to communicate it all.
we should try every day to say what we feel, and allow others that courtesy in return.
and through that mutual openness, we become better human beings. human beings who understand that actions have consequences. and the more you talk, the fewer the consequences. why is this scary? is it because of the heartbreak? the inevitable self-reflection? why don't people want to be better versions of themselves??


i have spent a fair amount of time in relationships with people who couldn't look in the mirror. maybe they thought my inner strength would boost their reflection as long as we looked at it together. but that's not the type of person i am. i'm not always going to literally be standing there. nor would i want someone to do that for me. i just need the knowledge that they are looking at themselves honestly. seeing all the insecurities, but still standing there and facing them. 


it's become evident that a recent ex of mine is still hiding. hiding in such a sad way that i'm not sure if he'll ever find his way back. 
there are some people who can see the path in the trees. but despite them seeing it and you giving them directions, they'll never find their way until they're ready to listen. because once you're out of the trees, you are unprotected from the open air. the air that carries sound and energy from miles around. and while that air can beat you down from the cacophony, it can calm you with it's steady rhythm, or infect you with such a sweet taste that you can't believe anything could be that good, drink it in and share it with others.


let your words dive off the tongue and perhaps your rhythm will inspire someone to find the path out, a path leading them to their own music. yes it's scary, but not knowing or not sharing is worse. maybe your words will fall into harmony with someone else's. and once that happens, keep talking, keep singing, no matter how out of tune it may sound.  

4am jan. 21, 2012


my first snow in new york is falling outside my window. despite my lack of sleep last night i stayed up in anticipation....hoping the weather sites wouldn't mislead me. i don't expect there to be much accumulation, and it will probably all melt tomorrow but i LOVE the first snow of the season. actually to be fair, i just love snow......snow trickling......or snow plummeting from the sky. it all makes me giddy. 


only a handful of people saw the joy on my face two years ago when it started snowing in lexington, ky, where i was living at the time. the sheer happiness of simple flurries landing on my face after living almost six years in a land with virtually no winter. everything felt so perfect at that moment. because, to me, the quiet...the stillness....it makes everything seem new and possible.


the last 9 months of my life i've been living as a gypsy, never really landing anywhere longer than 6 weeks. and during that time i would find myself remembering where i was just 3 months before, or 6 months, or now even a year ago....where my life had taken me. i do believe there was snow a year ago. i was recovering from a tonsillectomy...sensing there was a stranger in my life. a stranger who was lucky enough to be loved by me. my gypsy-hood began a few months later once the fears had been confirmed. through it all i've been supported by the most amazing community of friends and family. and while the universe seems to be having a bit of fun with me over these months, i'm learning to laugh along with it, let go and soak in the moments.


i officially moved to brooklyn two weeks ago. my amazing brother pavel drove out with me and my cat. pavel, my new roommate adam and my friend ryan helped move the boxes and the couch.....my beautiful couch....it put up a fight, but we won. the wall took a couple hits for the team, but it will get fixed eventually. even with my stuff here i still have trouble feeling that i'm in new york. but the more i venture out of the house, onto the subway, and mix with this melting pot, i feel the realness of the move and the city. i think it's going to be a good fit. 


who knows where my life will be in a year.....two years....five years.....i do know that while i miss my friends dearly, this moment is a huge improvement on last year. and it will keep getting better.....even if there's pain, and there will be, there will always be just as much love to balance it out and to build on.


as i ventured outside in my pajamas and boots to feel the snow land on my face, a man was dusting off his car a little farther down the block. he was blasting boys II men out of his car stereo. i couldn't help but laugh at the choice of artist (who i do love AND they were the first cd i ever owned). it also tickled me that the particular song choice was 'it's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday'. and while the main point of the song doesn't necessarily apply to my life, i will take these lyrics:


I don't know where this road
Is going to lead
All I know is where we've been
And what we've been through.



a new chapter has officially started, not just for me, but for everyone who has a connection to my life and this beginning. you've all been with me up to this point and i am eternally grateful. thank you for being a part of my story....past, present, and future....i can sense it will be memorable and amazing.

1:41am     sunday     january 1    2012

2011 has officially passed according to our calendaring system. to say this has been a year of transition for me would be a bit of an understatement. and while i've had many low points, i'm thankful to my parents for raising me with an awareness of the bigger picture, and thankful to my friends for being there whenever i needed them. 

i wish that a simple turning of the clock, to a new day and a new year would automatically mean an easier start. an official cleaning of the baggage. it's never that simple though. even another move, a new beginning, an exciting chapter won't instantaneously wipe away the tears and anger. i wish i could say i've learned all my lessons from the past 12 months. but that wouldn't be true. one of these lessons would have been put up more walls and trust less. and yet even in this last week i haven't been able to do that. it may result in more pain, but i'm not sure how to turn that part of myself off. because that's also the part that believes the universe is an amazing place and things will work out. 

i rang in this new year as i have many of them, by myself. well, my cat joined me this year too. it was rather uneventful. we sat together and watched a movie. i always long for some fantastic celebration. something to believe is just a hint of the upcoming year's fantasticalness. that's never the way it seems to work out. i guess that's because this one night a year can't be a guarantee of a new beginning for everyone out there. just like blowing out the candles on your cake won't grant you that wish. while there's never a guarantee for anything, there's a strength, a base, that the love and prosperity comes from and it doesn't appear from a bang or the dropping of a clock. and it certainly never grows from a whimper. i'm going to liken it to a tortoise. that slow and steady trooper who keeps going and shows up. 

so like the tortoise, i have set my goals. they may not be accomplished in the upcoming year, but i plan to get closer to them.

i want to be happy through and through. i want to be at peace with the things i can't change, but passionate and stubborn enough to change the things i can. and i want to be appreciated and respected in every way i deserve. 

i'm going to work every day, even if it's a tiny bit, to win this race because none of this is going to be easy, and maybe it should't be. and while i personally can't change anyone else, i hope people have the strength to show up for this too.

i'll be there.