1:41am     sunday     january 1    2012

2011 has officially passed according to our calendaring system. to say this has been a year of transition for me would be a bit of an understatement. and while i've had many low points, i'm thankful to my parents for raising me with an awareness of the bigger picture, and thankful to my friends for being there whenever i needed them. 

i wish that a simple turning of the clock, to a new day and a new year would automatically mean an easier start. an official cleaning of the baggage. it's never that simple though. even another move, a new beginning, an exciting chapter won't instantaneously wipe away the tears and anger. i wish i could say i've learned all my lessons from the past 12 months. but that wouldn't be true. one of these lessons would have been put up more walls and trust less. and yet even in this last week i haven't been able to do that. it may result in more pain, but i'm not sure how to turn that part of myself off. because that's also the part that believes the universe is an amazing place and things will work out. 

i rang in this new year as i have many of them, by myself. well, my cat joined me this year too. it was rather uneventful. we sat together and watched a movie. i always long for some fantastic celebration. something to believe is just a hint of the upcoming year's fantasticalness. that's never the way it seems to work out. i guess that's because this one night a year can't be a guarantee of a new beginning for everyone out there. just like blowing out the candles on your cake won't grant you that wish. while there's never a guarantee for anything, there's a strength, a base, that the love and prosperity comes from and it doesn't appear from a bang or the dropping of a clock. and it certainly never grows from a whimper. i'm going to liken it to a tortoise. that slow and steady trooper who keeps going and shows up. 

so like the tortoise, i have set my goals. they may not be accomplished in the upcoming year, but i plan to get closer to them.

i want to be happy through and through. i want to be at peace with the things i can't change, but passionate and stubborn enough to change the things i can. and i want to be appreciated and respected in every way i deserve. 

i'm going to work every day, even if it's a tiny bit, to win this race because none of this is going to be easy, and maybe it should't be. and while i personally can't change anyone else, i hope people have the strength to show up for this too.

i'll be there.