the hole left by 2008

How do you balance your expectations?

How long does it take to mend the space where someone has completely let you down in every possible way?


I sit here. Staring at the screen for an answer. For the words to roll off my fingertips and clarification to come. The need to get all the thoughts out my head so I can't see them in there anymore, but feeling the huge pull of exhaustion that draws me into unfocusedness.





I guess this is as good a time as any to wipe the slate clean........the digital age makes it a little too easy to erase memories.......it's not quite as cathartic as the old ways of cutting and burning photos and memorabilia. But luckily in my case I still had a few things to cut up and smash.



All the useless questions swirling in my head........what if I had just stuck out the friendship.......what if I had raged harder......

I count myself as one of the lucky ones in that I usually know deep down when a battle is not worth the energy, as much as I want to fix the situation.......help others reach their potential......

it's not my battle
it's not my battle
i'm not the one who's lost
i know who i am
i know what i want




But no matter how much I hear that truth inside of me, it doesn't make the hurt and emptiness any easier.


I really wanted this last night of 2008 to be the time to focus on myself. But it has become a reminder of .......... him.



I will allow myself to have these feelings for one more night.


Tomorrow is a new start. The memories will still be there, but I must move to another level of thinking. Not allowing others to damage me. Not letting them get in the way of my forward movement.




The only person who is worth this much energy is myself.